I don't know what i want, that's the truth.

I need guidance, seriously.

I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

I really don't get it. It's my life, so what's your concern? Bullshit.

Amirul Aliff , sorry i can't attend your court trial. But hey, i'll be praying hard for you alright? I'm sure you'll be fine, you'll make it back home for sure. Best of luck aye!

It's so hard to contact Paks since we both lost our phone at the same event like grrrrrrr. He's been calling home, but my house phone is too pathetic. I can't hear a thing he said and so can he. We screamed through the loudspeaker throughout the whole conversation like insane people. I need a break, these past few days has been real tough for me. I've been very moody, swearing people here and there. Sometimes i feel like i'm being so unreasonable. SUPER UNREASONABLE .

I've been working for the past two days. I had so much fun working with ayu, lala, baby, fahmy , kanina and paks. They were the ones who helped me forget about all my problems. They were the ones who understood me.

I wonder why my mum thinks that i'm a rotten apple? Because i highligted my hair? Because i'll only be home late night? Because my boyfriend has a tattoo? I really don't get it. I've always wanted to ask her this, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I GOT HOME AT 1AM IN THE MORNING ON WEDNESDAY ? Not home too? Where are you every saturday night? Overnight with your boyfriend? Do you even care about me and the others? To me, you're selfish! You only think about getting married to him and living your life as a single mum whereas you're not even home 80% of the time to take care of us. You don't have to cry as if you care.

I'm not trying to be rude, but you're the reason why i left home. You talk to me as if i'm not your daughter. Even papa don't treat me that way. You talk to me as if you really despise me and that i don't deserve your kindness. No matter what i do, it is always wrong in your eyes. Nothing i do is ever pleasant to you.

If you're gonna tell me my friends/boyfriend influenced me into becoming this brat right infront of you, then i'm sorry but i might have to rebel. My friends, they were the one who told me to listen to your words and ignore the thought that "MY MUM HATES ME" because they said you care but ; you don't . They were the ones who stood by me when i needed someone to talk to. Unlike you, all you do is come home and order us around. Tell us to do this and that. You'll tell us to study but have you ever sat with us and coach us? Never. So don't you think you're to be blamed? All you do at home is call your boyfriend, text your boyfriend, act like you're a single lady with no children. Stay in your room all day long. Have you ever asked me, how was my day at school? Or are you facing any problems? Have you? Never. Because you don't care.

I am still Nurul Syafiqah . I am still your daughter, that is if you still think i am. But truth is, i can't stay with you any longer. I am sick and tired of everything. I hate thinking that no one in the house cares about me. I hate being left out. I'm gonna stay with papa no matter what. If you think i'm being childish or whatsoever then so be it, we'll let the court decide and we'll see what's the outcome.

I love you baby, i love you so much.

Thanks for being there for me when i needed you, praying hard for you.

Last night was great, Haha. We celebrated fahmy's birthday. I had so much fun, i was teased because of the blur look on my face. Haha, let's party on the 1st baby.

I'll be going to school tomorrow, *sighs*. I'll be working on sat and sun, *another longer sigh*. When will it all end?? Penat doh!

I met Paks yesterday, he fetched me from home. We went out for lunch , DAMN WAS I HUNGRY LIKE A GHOST! Afterwards, we hang out with Dum-dum, Alam and the others. Crazy bunch.

I didn't attend school today, i'm just too lazy to get up but i'll be going to school for the rest of the week. Maybe i'll get my hair highlighted today, MAYBE. I don't want to go to school but i have to since it is streaming la, whatever shit that i can't be bothered about. My form teacher is sooooooo irritating, she kept on texting my mum asking her why i'm not in school.

I'm too stressed up to remain in the express stream. Somebody, help me.

I'm very sorry. I'll be there for your court date, i'm holding on to that.

I had a wonderful saturday with my baby. Gosh, we + Yaya were like little kids. Roaming around in arcades, eating apple pies, pinching and punching each other? Haha, it was really fun. He's the best, & leaving him is the last thing i could ever think of.

About the explanation, i'll explain when i have the time to do so. I hate it when people start to twist facts and turn their backs on what they used to believe in. Blaming others for what they did, isn't that ridiculous? Sucha a liar, you suck up a lot from what i can see.

I've just finished cleaning up the BIG MESS i made in my room, i feel like a maid.

Exams are finally over, stressed over the upcoming results.

I'll be going back to jb tonight, i'll be attending ainiciner's open house on saturday.

I've been spending most of my time during the past few days with precious, paks and tasha.

& to you baby,

Hang on there, it's not the end. You can always make a change in life. So be a goodboy from today onwards if not i'll bite you hard enough to make you cry. I love you

I finally knew who told paks about everything, i was shocked. Maybe it is true, the closest to you are your worst enemies. I thought close friends keep each others secret, but my secret was leaked out. But still, there's nothing i can do about it. Everything is over. Grrr

Paks called me early in the morning , 0550 hours .

He told me to accompany him on his way home over the phone , i was half awake .

Darn you , ass . We talked about a lot of things , A LOT . Hmm , i really miss him .

He's working today so all i can do is wait for his phone call at night .

I really miss those mushy night text . Those sweet late night calls we used to have every night , gaga-ing non-stop . Will it ever happen again ?

Guide me through .

I slept freaking early yesterday and i woke up like freaking late , i swear it was a TIRING day okay . Haha

It turned out preety well , i'm glad we talked things out .

The moment i saw Paks, i felt like i was dreaming.

Haha , i missed him and i'm sure he missed me too .

Hang out with precious and kecyk as well . Hey they were gaga-ing all over too , Haha .

Precious called me this morning-afternoon and she said she's at JE library studying . So i got up and chatted with her . I then got myself ready and i went out to meet her . Sorry i was late .

We had lunch together , sweet kan ? Haha but we went home straight after that .

I am feeling sooooooooooo lethargic .

I want to know , what the fuck is your problem ?

I look like a LAME ALIEN ? What a phrase to use , you sound like a primary school kid .

Well anyway , you have to look at yourself in the mirror . You're the alien sia , i swear you are one BIG FAT ALIEN .
And please correct your english okay , it's embarassing .

You're as pathetic as a 7 year old girl who cries over a lollipop ,

sumpah perangai kau sengket . Super mentel , not the best phrase to describe someone like you .

You need a word-by-word description . Fat-Amateur-Lowlife-Unhygienic-Bitchy-whatever negative thoughts that i can come up with are all meant for you , seriously . WHORE SUITS YOU BEST , YAY !

& for everyone to know , ketiak kau berus dulu okay ? Sungguh tak censored , Haha

I soooooooo love that phrase , gosh .

I had fun today even though i almost cried when i saw you .

I have to be strong no matter what . Yes the fact that i did a big mistake , i'm sorry for that .

You've been faithful and loving , sweetest guy that i have ever met .

But then , lady luck isn't on our side , there's nothing we can do .

I still love you no matter what , please study hard and when you pass your n's , i'm sure your parents will be very proud of you , not only them , i'll be very proud of you too .

Alah it's a waste of time sia , forget it .

Sumpah aku penat gila . I walked from lot 1 to feefly's block together with fee .

Boleh semput sia , seriously .

Anyway , today the sun shine brighter than yesterday lah . You should know what i mean .

At least he did kiss and hug me as usual tapy part salam , biken aku sod je .

You showed some concern towards me and i'm glad that you did .

& I miss you baby , i really do .

Ayusai , sumpah perangai tak perlu . You looked at us first and then you screamed at us like some retard . What the hell was that for ?

Baby , i'm very sorry . I know what i did was a big mistake .

But bie , everything was unintentional , i swear .

I regret everything i did that very night .

How else can i convince you that i'm very sorry and that i have never expected it to turn out this way ?

I love you baby .

You can tell me anything and everything about him , i've heard enough .

It's love , you can't force me to hate him .

Don't you think you're wasting your time trying to persuade me to leave him ?

Let me tell you this , i'll never leave him so please save your breath .

I love him , no one can change that .

My tayang tayang will be working again tomorrow , so it'll be another boring day for me .

Last night , i stayed up just to webcam with him . As usual , i have to entertain all his nonsense .

Aku tahan mata setengah mampos for you ya know ~

As for today I spent 2 hours revising . Shocking kan ? I know , i was shocked too .

Haha alah , he told me not to go out so i had no choice and anyway I had nothing better to do .

But it's okay because on monday , he'll be treating me to G-FORCE ! YAYY !

I got this pic from astina's multiply .

That guy in the picture , he's my love , my hero , my sweetheart , my boyf .

There's something that i want you guys to know about him .
He's sweet , the kind of guy who will melt you .
He'll crawl into your dreams every night , trust me .
But still , there is something wrong between the both of us that we both don't know about .

He told me a gazillion times that he loves me , & i've no doubt over that .
But when i asked myself , do i love him ?
I do ; comes out from mouth , but lightly from my heart .

So what does that mean ?

To be honest , i feel hurt most of the time .

Especially right now .

Our 4th month is a week ahead , are we gonna make it ?